The Wooden Spoon Incident

My youngest two are pretty close in age, and when they were younger there were many days when I felt like I was being tag teamed between two heavy weight boxers. When their behavior was "off", wrangling one of them sometimes meant that the other little scoundrel was taking full advantage of the situation by skillfully dismanteling another part of the house. And then there were the occasions when they were so out out of line (they were toddlers after all) that I would employ the backup assistance of my handy dandy wooden spoon when FIRM words and time-out weren't quite getting the job done. Don't judge.

On one such afternoon I had gone Round 8 with the dynamic duo and was seriously about to unravel at the seams. Too much mischief, sassy back talk, and bullheaded defiance had me worked into quite a lather, and the wooden spoon had gotten a little bit of a workout, honestly. I felt like I was running a losing race at the hands of my toddlers, and so I finally just tucked the spoon in the back pocket of my jeans. Ugh! I mean really - why put it away just to get it back out again?!

Somehow we managed to turn the corner and get things back on track and were making some headway. Realizing that the oldest would be getting out of school before too long, I decided to run to the drugstore for a few quick items that we needed. Once we got to the store, I was pleasantly surprised at how the two of them were behaving! It was like little aliens had taken over their bodies - they were sitting in the cart, being sweet to eachother, and using their inside voices - it was GREAT!

The thing that WAS interesting to me, was that people seemed to be paying quite a bit of attention to us as we were walking through the store. I mean, the kids were being really good and we were just minding our own business but people just kept giving me these weird looks! So when we were almost ready to get into the checkout line, I had an itch on my back that a reached around to scratch....and that's when I discovered that I still had the wooden spoon tucked in my back pocket.

Nice. No wonder everyone was staring at me! I was walking around the drugstore with two perfectly behaving children, but had a monster "enforcer" boldly displayed in pocket as if to say, "Yeah, I dare my kids to ask for Lik-M-Aid again!".

NOT a cool feeling.

Linking up with Mama Kat this morning.

Prompt #3 - Wardrobe malfunction

Saturday Morning Silliness

Abby with one of her very favorite BFFs.

After a late night, followed by a sleepover, these two woke up ready to take on the world.

...more giggles and funny stories to share.

When I uploaded the photos from my camera this morning, these pix really stood out to me. I remember how much fun it was to have sleepovers, stay up as late as we possibly could, and eat junk food. LOTS of junk food!

Great memories!

Artistic Interpretation At It's Finest

Lucas BURST through the door when he got home from school, one sunny afternoon. He was so full of purpose and determination that he could only manage to grunt or exclaim, "I need to find those glasses!" In his hands he held an art project, and it was imperative that he find the stash of 3-D glasses ASAP. Drawers were getting turned inside out, books strewn about, and miscellaneous odds and ends were getting jumbled and rearranged. The entertainment center was ransacked! After another minute or two of relentless digging, he finally found the 3-D glasses and put them on.

He intently looked at his project for a split second (or two) before yelling, "My teacher is a LIAR!"

I was SHOCKED at what I heard, and replied, "WHAT?"

"My TEACHER is a LIIIAAARRR!", he yelled again. Much louder than before. In case I didn't hear him the first time. Duh.

"Why would you say something like that?" I asked.

Lucas said, "Because she told us that this was 3-D art, BUT IT ISN'T!"

Exhibit A (front view)

Exhibit B (rear view)

His teacher's definition of 3-D art obviously didn't acheive the same expectations as the "Spy Kids: Shark Boy and Lava Girl" 3-D movie. Once I talked him down from the edge of insanity and explained to him what she REALLY meant by "3-D art", things were much better. It didn't remove the sting of disappointment, but it sure was awesome to watch my boy throw a complete hissy fit with those those nerdy glasses on. *giggle*

A week or two later, I had the distinct pleasure of running into Luc's art teacher in the school parking lot and sharing this story with her. She got quite a kick out of it, and was amused (rather than insulted) at being called a liar.

Prompt#2 - But teachers know everything!!

Write about a time when a teacher disappointed you.

Life's Just Not The Same After Kids

Prompt #1 - A list of things you no longer have in common with your single/childless friends...and why you love them anyways.

1. I buy my clothes for function rather than fashion.
2. Catching projectile vomit in your hands isn't gross, it's a skill that accomplishes two things at once - reduces the amount of clean-up required, and increases eye/hand coordination.
3. Air freshener in the bathroom isn't just to cover the smell of a stinky poo...it also helps to mask the odor created by boys that have problems AIMING.
4. Sanity is relative.
5. iCarley is a little more entertaining as time passes. Sad, I know.
6. My kitchen table isn't set with a centerpiece, placemats, chargers, and napkin rings anymore. It has paint, scratches, dried syrup, and marker stains on it...and I like it that way.
7. My DVD drawer has more kid DVD's than adult movies. And by "adult" I mean PG-13 and R....not porn.
8. Baby wipes are like a happy package of magic no matter how old my kids get...not just for baby shower gifts.
9. My idea of a clean car was flushed down the toilet when Conner started drinking from a sippy cup and there was enough food under the seat to feed a third world country.
10. Cooking dinner is rarely an option, it's a requirement.
11. This weekend I washed 2 loads of darks, 1 load of neutrals, 1 load of whites, 1 load of reds, 1 load of towels only, 1 load of green/blues, and 2 loads of sheets. Beat THAT, Single Sally!
12. My ass. The kids did this to me. Honestly, they did.
13. Saving money is usually short term rather than long term. What I save inevitably goes towards Christmas gifts, upcoming plans, or for the kid's birthdays.
14. Richard says that I have "mom hair", but I really don't give a rip. I can put it in a ponytail, up in a clip, or blow it out. FUNCTION is the name of my game, and I need something easy.
15. My carpet stains tell a story of our life with growing children...spilled syrup, sippy cups, markers, playing with make-up, etc.

Some days I envy the quiet, solitude, cleanliness, leisure, and uninterrupted lifestyle that others have. But then my redhead barges into the room crying because he fell off of his bike. Or Abby adds ANOTHER item to the list of things that she wants to have at her birthday party (that she's been planning for 9 months so far). Or Conner tells me that he has a project due tomorrow for a major grade...and everything is how it should be.

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CORN-a-MOPE-ia....Not Cornucopia

Our youngest is a food snob to the most severe degree.

• Chocolate or vanilla ice cream only, and it should never have syrup, sprinkles, or anything "extra" on/in it.
• Negative on the potatoes, unless they come in the form of french fries sans any trace of potato skin. Potato Skin = No Go
• NEVER chicken on the bone. EVER.
• He won't eat jelly because "on Spongebob they make jelly from jellyfish". Thanks Mr. A-hole Squarepants, I owe you one!
• Waffles can only be the Lego's Cinnamon Toast variety....with syrup on the side...never touching.
• Peanut butter....can't stand it.
• Won't eat bread of ANY kind if it has butter on it. Period. Even pancakes.
• Grannella (granola) bars are the enemy.
• Most vegetables should be taken completely off the menu.
• ...and the list goes on, and on, and on, AND ON!

Sometimes this "hang up" of his is amusing, but mostly it's just completely maddening.

Like tonight. I decided that tonight would be "leftovers night", so I let Luc know UP FRONT (before he even left for school) that his options for dinner would be BBQ sandwiches, pot roast sandwiches, or Italian sausage and peppers....no other options. Immediately the wheels began to turn, and the look of disgust started to cloud his face, so I reiterated that ultimately he only has TWO choices - EAT, or STARVE. It makes no difference, to me, at this point.

So after we hash out his disappointment with the dinner selections (and my inability to be flexible and make something different), he hops on his bike and rides off to school. He has better things to do with his day, meanwhile, I am still stewing with frustration. While I am stewing, I happened to recall an evening several weeks ago when I decided to serve corn on the cob with dinner instead of canned corn. Everyone in my family (including the food snob) LOVES CORN, so I thought this would be a nice change to go along with our grilled pork chops, etc. ....That's what I thought.

Dinner was served, and this was the look that I got.

After listening to him moan and groan about how he has "always hated" corn on the cob, Richard explained that corn on the cob is just the same as corn out of a can. The only major difference, one is still on the cob, and the other isn't. This is the look he gave Richard. :) I can only imagine what he was thinking.

No dice on trying to convince him otherwise. So Richard, being the good father that he is, decided just to cut Luc's corn off of the cob since the cob seemed to be such a big issue.

In the end, he only ate two bites and ditched the rest. He still maintains that corn on the cob is gross. *forced, sarcastic smile*

Dear Lord,

When he is grown, 30ish, and married to a wonderful girl that we all adore, please consider sending Mr. Picky a grandbaby for me to spoil, that will be a picky eater just like himself!? Just one, fussy, hard to please offspring would be great. Pretty please? With sugar on top? (Mr. Picky does like sugar.)

Yours truly.

*****

Heaven = Back To School

The Staples Back-to-School commercial is my all time favorite. Watching the dad skip behind the shopping cart, joyfully toss pads of post-it notes into his basket, and the look of sheer dread on the children's faces as they follow behind him....my giddiness can't be contained.

I channeled this same world of euphoria on Sunday afternoon as I was sorting through huge piles of the kids' school supplies. With empty copy paper boxes just waiting to be filled, we went down the list(s), checked them twice, and got everything separated out, labeled, and ready to be "cheerfully" delivered to their classes. :) Meet the Teacher is on Thursday....and I am READY!

Summer has been A BLAST! Afternoons chillin' at the neighborhood pool were wonderful. The oldest went off to camp for a few weeks. We were able to spend time visiting with some treasured friends in Missouri. A trip to New Braunfels to enjoy the water slides/rides at Schlitterbahn was a first for the two youngest and myself - awesome fun! BUT. All that being said, I am ready for the school year to finally begin again.

Working odd hours, while trying to juggle the kids and make sure that they enjoy their summer, has been a bit of a head circus for me. It feels like the day is fragmented without being able to pay full attention to a specific task or need completely. Isn't that how the TRUE life of a mom really looks anyway? Juggling, working, making adjustments, loving on them, and then going to bed tired every night? Yeah, I thought so, too.

So this week, we focus and finish getting prepared. Then, on Monday, I will roll past the school and slow down just enough so that they don't get road rash when I kick them out the doors...and cheerfully head off to breakfast with my friends!!

CHEERS! to breakfast with friends...and thinking of my sweet muffins embarking on their new school year. :)

Parent-Teacher Conference

The craziest thing I ever got into trouble for as a youngster was LISTENING. I know, it's crazy. My parents were horrible. While all other parents are hollering at their kids to used the two ears that the good Lord gave 'em, my parents were punishing me for using mine.

Background information: I am in 2nd grade, and my mother has been called for a parent teacher conference with Ms. Jones (not her real name). My family lives in a really small town in the north west. My father is the plant superintendent at an oil refinery. We eat dinner at the kitchen table EVERY night and talk, talk, talk.

Ms. Jones: Mrs. Mom, Lesley is doing great in her class work. She needs to work a little more on her math facts, and cursive writing, but she's right on track and doing well.

Mrs. Mom: Oh, great. She loves school and we will continue working on these things at home. (blah, blah, blah)

Ms. Jones: By the way, I have a question. How did Lesley find out that I am living with my boyfriend and that we are unmarried?

Mrs. Mom: *gulp* Umm....

Ms. Jones: The reason why I'm asking is because Lesley has been telling all the kids on the playground these things, and we're basically sinners to the worst degree. How would she know that I am living with my boyfriend?

Mrs. Mom: *GULP* (I'm sure that my mother was doing some pretty fancy footwork at this point in the conversation)

Ms. Jones: And, by the way, Lesley has been cussing like a sailor on the playground. She's been using the "F word" in every variation imaginable.

The rest of the dialogue is somewhat unclear because at this point in the "recap" (screaming rant) my mom has completely LOST her cool and is suffering from the most severe case of humiliation imaginable, at the hands of little old me. She was FURIOUS. No wait, that's an understatement. My mother was a red zone case in Cesar Milan's terminology.

And just to clarify - YES, I was totally correct about Ms. Jones. She was living with her boyfriend and they were unmarried. My dad had come home from work one night, was "talking shop" at the dinner table with my mother about a dude at work. How dude's girlfriend was a teacher, her first name was **** (same as my teacher's name), and there were a few other minor details discussed that added up with what I already knew about Ms. Jones. I started connecting the dots...things started falling into place....and VOILA! I had gossip so scandalous and juicy in the world of 8 year olds, that everyone (well, a few friends) were arguing to see who could sit next to me at lunch.

I WAS LISTENING.

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Prompt #4 - The craziest reason I ever got in trouble as a child.

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I've Been A Very Bad Girl

Dear Richard,

Sometimes I have a hard time behaving myself, it's no secret.

It's virtually impossible for me to hide how I feel about something - it's written on my face and evident in my body language. Conforming is not one of my strongest qualities, either, because honestly, it gets old after a while. When people try to be the boss of me, it makes me a snappish. And if I can't be in control, then I should pretty much just take my toys and go home...it's just not going to work out for us.

This brings us to the next, obvious topic....PUNISHMENT.

Giving me chores is unfair. Just look at me! Housework has aged me far beyond my years, and now I look like I am 38ish?! There is NO LOVE in giving someone a mop, or eight baskets of laundry and asking them to get it done. You should seriously reconsider your angle. Organizing the filing cabinet is also cruel and unusual punishment. There are no windows or people to talk to in the closet, and I would get bored. Considering the mischief that our kids can get into when they are bored, we probably shouldn't risk it.

After thoughtful consideration there IS a punishment that I think could adequately fit any offense committed. If you REALLY want to get me where it hurts, send me away from the house. Send me away from the children, the recipe scouring for dinner-make-ready, and the busy hours of homework every afternoon that I cherish so dearly. Separation from these treasured parts of my day would be enough to absolutely crush my spirit. If you really wanted to make my "mommy-time-out" even more torturous and consequential, it should be mandatory that the MTO also have A PEDICURE as part of the punishment. Since I hate to have have my feet rubbed, massaged, and fussed over, this would really be an effective way to show your disapproval of my horrific behavior.

Let me know what you think. I have an appointment scheduled for 6:30 tomorrow evening - a time of day that I love the most.

Your Loving Wife

Prompt #2 - If you were put in "time out", where would

you want to be placed and why?

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*****

Lt. Jim Dangle Finally Caught Me (Speeding Ticket)

Today my affinity for that irresistible pedal on the right finally caught up with me. The fearless Lt. Jim Dangle caught me in a speed trap after YEARS of running the streets and highways of Houston like it's a NASCAR short course. He caught me flying over an overpass going 75 in a 60....blah, blah, blah. He caught me fair and square. Just write it up dude, okay?

There have been plenty of tickets over the years, but just not any SPEEDING tickets. Tickets for seat belts, registration, expired tags, WARNINGS (tons of those), having a tail light out...you name it.


My last significant run-in with the law:

Sept. 2008. It was in the middle of the afternoon, and I had no idea why the DPS was following me with flashing lights. When Officer Tran (his real name) walked up to my window and asked for my license & registration, he proceeded to explain that he was pulling me over FOR NOT USING MY BLINKER! *crickets chirping* I was like, "Whaaaaaa?"

This joker was serious! And I. Lost. My. COOL.

I sat in my car and SCREAMED! I screamed obscenities. Screamed in bewilderment at how "not using a blinker" was even worthy of stopping someone. I even made derogatory remarks about HIS MOTHER. Yep! I did it. Shamelessly, too! BUT, before you judge, please note that Hurricane Ike had hit about two weeks prior and our power had been out this WHOLE time. It had been miserable. We were making the best of an extremely challenging situation, and this was the final straw. Of all the things to worry about in my world, whether or not I used a blinker was a complete joke. It gave the work ridiculous a whole new meaning.

Tran still wrote the ticket and gave it to me. JERK. I am not a complete believer in karma, but I do believe that some things do, eventually, revisit you. *insert evil thoughts* I am hoping this revisits him in spades.

So today I am rolling the clock back to ZERO, and wondering how long I can manage to stay in the good graces of our fearless traffic patrol.

Sending some *u-hmm* love out to Lt. Dangle tonight. :)



*****

Open Mouth...Insert Cowgirl Boot

I love the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo. Oh. Yes. I. Do. I especially love it when hot young hunky men are singing, dancing, and strutting their goods up on stage for my friends and I to ogle at. It's like Santa just delivered a belated Christmas gift to me in mid-March. A really, really great gift if it happens to Keith Urban. Just give me a drool bib and turn your head in the other direction if you can't hang.

Oh wait...that's not the point of this installment. Focus, focus, FOCUS. The point is that sometimes when you are making fun conversation, and you are overcome with your own hilarity, SOMETIMES your wise cracks fall a little to close to home for your listener. Grab a seat cowpoke and hang on to your boots!

Setting: yours truly is sitting in the hairdresser's chair

Mood: fun and chatty

Characters: Moi and the hairdresser, we'll call her "STAR"


The curtain raises....

Star is seen cutting my hair with the speed and ferocity of Edward Scissorhands, and talking at the same speed. She's talking so fast that I have to ask her repeat herself numerous times. I don't know if she's on crack, or just lives on fast forward, but I feel like it's a match up of the tortoise and the hare. So there I sit....hair flying....we're chatting up a storm....and she mentions that she's going to the HLS&R.


Camera zooms in to catch the conversation....

Star: I have a date tomorrow night and we are going to the roooodeo. I haven't ever been to the rodeo in Houston before, so it'll be my first time, and I don't know what to wear. It's so weird.

Me: Oh my gauuu, I love going to the rodeo! Used to hate it, but my sister always gets the best seats and takes me with her. Good seats, plus free tickets? Yeah, you learn to love the rodeo really quickly. Who's playing tomorrow night?

Star: Brad Paisley. I don't listen to country at all, but I have heard that he's really good. I just don't know if I want to go the rodeo, though. Kinda weird place to take a date.

Me: BP will be really good. Haven't ever seen him before but heard that he puts on a good show. The RODEO part is really great to watch too. (insert description of events, my favorite parts of the rodeo, etc, etc) And besides, even if you aren't really a fan of the rodeo it's a GREAT place to people watch.

Star: Oh damn, that's my favorite sport!

Me: Well, then you will love it for sure! It's like someone took one of those trashy Walmart's from one of those back-woodsy, deep East Texas towns like Cut-N-Shoot, you know, where brothers and sisters marry each other, and just dumped it out!

Star: I grew up in Cut-N-Shoot. (BTW, Cut-N-Shoot is a real honest to goodness town here in Texas)

Me: *GULP* Wait. Whaaat?

Star: I grew up there. I hated it so much that I had my Daddy transfer me to ****** High School and drove me every morning, but that's where all of my growing up years were spent.

Me: *awkward silence* Well, you'll have a good time anyway. *subject change*


Camera zooms out. Curtain closes.

True story. No exaggerations. Star just kinda laughed the conversation off and let it go that day. Luckily, when I went back to see her it was evident that she still didn't hold a grudge and she didn't scalp me. Either that, or the fumes from all the chemicals have fried the "Tacky Things That Idiot Clients Have Said To Me" portion of her brain. WHEW!

*****

What do get when you combine GAS and SLUSHES?

On Tuesday we stopped to get gas on our way back home from dropping Conner off in Missouri. (We didn't do a local summer camp this year.) Anyway, we decided to stop and address several issues at the same time...a bathroom break, fill up on gas, stretch our legs for a minute, AND to get a Sonic slush. As we were pulling into the station (a combo Shell/Sonic) the back seat conversation went down like this:

Lucas: "Hey Abb, what kind of slush are you gonna get?"

Abby: "I don't know. Prob'ly watermelon. What are you gonna get?"

Lucas: "Hey Abb, we're gonna get gas AND slushes." (he forgot to answer what flavor as soon as the crude, silly humor was triggered in his brain)

Abby: "Slushes and GAS?" *snicker*

Lucas: "GASSY SLUSHES!!!" *giggle*

Abby: "Slushes that GIVE US GAS!!!" *roaring laughter*

The chuckling and silly comments continued until we were separated by the Men's and Women's restrooms, respectively. I could even hear Lucas lauging to himself while he was taking care of business and I was outside the door! HAHAHAHA!!

Random kid humor is goooood stuff!


*****

Houston Needs A "Pass" on Hurricane Season

It's June 29th....and "Alex" is brewing in the Gulf. Not. Good. Hurricane season officially began on June 1st, but we usually don't start seeing named storms until later in July or August. Add to this, that the forecasters have predicted 3-5 big ass hurricanes for the season....and the outlook seems a little grim.

Sooooo, after surviving Hurricane Ike in 2008, I would like to submit a request to Mother Nature for a "PASS". It seems fair to say, that my fellow Houstonians and I were pretty good sports and "took one for the team" when Ike barreled though. It cut a swath of destruction from Galveston/Crystal Beach all the way to..... Well, I don't know exactly where the storm was downgraded from hurricane status, but I know that we were definitely in it's path.

My compadres are already starting to discuss necessary measures needed in order to be prepared for the duration of the season. Given the not-so-sunny forecasting predictions, I am actually ready to bite the bullet and start shopping for a generator. Seriously. We were lucky to have only lost power for TWO WEEKS after Ike, and the idea of a repeat does not give me warm fuzzies.

One of my FAVORITE hurricane supply lists, so far, is from my dad & Margaret. They stocked up on three cases of beer, a box of cigars, margarita mix, BBQ chips, lanterns, Pepsi, oatmeal cookies, and other various "fillers". I think it goes without saying, that if the weather gets nasty, they should load up and drive straight to my house!!! HAHAHA

SIDE NOTE: Because of their nasty dispositions, and inability to play nicely with others, I have unfriended the following; Alex, Bonnie, Colin, Danielle , Earl, Fiona (she is NOT a princess), Gaston, Hermine, Igor, Julia, Karl, Lisa, Matthew, Nicole, Otto, Paula, Richard, Shary, Tomas, Virginie, or Walter.


*****

Unloading the dishwasher should be easy, right?

This afternoon I asked Lucas to clean out the dishwasher, which seems like it would be an easy enough task, right? Not so fast! At the same time Luc was unloading, I was in "busy mode" - working on dinner, playing on the computer, signing homework folders, etc. When I finally glanced up to check on his progress, boy was I surprised! He had stacks of plates, glasses stacked by size and color, baking dishes, the whole nine yards on the counters and still not put in the cabinets. Not only were the dishes still out on display, but apparently he had decided that it's necessary to take the bottom rack of the dishwasher completely out of the unit, in order to properly unload the top rack. ....WHAT?!?

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lucas,

Please take a bow, young man. Seeing my kitchen methodically torn apart and cleaned at the same time was AMAZING! Your approach to unloading the dishwasher has been an enlightening experience. It also makes me wonder if, one day, I will send you to scrub bathrooms only to find that you have removed the toilet lids and disassembled the faucet hardware.

Signed,

Your Loving Mother


*****