My Alien Teenager; The Wheels are Falling Off

Blogging has fallen to the wayside in the last few months. It's not that I don't get all warm and fuzzy inside when I hit the little "Pubish Post" button, but there just never seems to be enough time or energy, and least of all, a feeling of creativity. This dry patch seems to be coming to an end, of sorts, and I now have a renewed desire to spill my guts, share, and purge my innermost thoughts and feelings on this here bloggy thang. This comes in the wake of the swath my teenager is cutting right through the center of my life. He's challenging me in every capacity, attempting to negotiate the impossible (according to the rules of our home), and he is getting me closer to what my mother refers to as "well deserved dementia". (FYI - My mom is awesome)

Conner will be 16 next month (Dear Lord, please forgive me of all my sins and shortcomings), thus shoving us down a new path in our journey through parenthood. In addition to the horrors of being on the verge of a three-driver-household, we are also encountering some erratic, hormonal behaviors that just make me want to pull my hair out. For instance, on any given day, he comes home from school with a forecast of "heavy winds and strong thunderstorms possible".

Like today.

He called me on my way home from work to let me know that his teacher had cancelled after school tutorials, and proceeded to growl, "these stupid people are PISSING ME OFF!". When I asked him who, exactly, he was talking about, he just says snarls someone keeps texting him "some bogus crap, and I don't know WHO IT IS". Okay.... So in a brief moment, this conversation gives me just a taste of what the rest of the afternoon is probably going to stack up to be - A NIGHTMARE.

When I walked through the door, the younger two bounced happily over, hugged me, and told me about the things that happened during their day. They were happy to see me, got a snack, and hit the routine of homework. Once I passed the pleasantries with them, I stepped into the room where the dark broodiness of Conner was almost palpable. He was sitting in the recliner, scowling at his spiral notebook, scribbling something down, and has nothing at all to say to me other than, "Everything's fine". Oh really, Mr. Sunshine? ...and then the slow spiral into hell began.

He's been grounded for his grades for a while now but he continues to only do a half-ass job at studying. Case and point, he had a Geography test today that he didn't study for. He says that he passed with a high C, but fails to see why I can't get on board with the fact that he obviously didn't NEED to study, since he passed without putting forth the extra effort. Duh. I'm just a stupid mom.

He broke out the water works when he asked if he could just have a break from being grounded and I said "No". He's "just so tired of being stuck in the house and not being able to go do anything", but he fails to see that it's his decision not to work his butt off to get his grades back above passing. Duh. I'm just a stupid mom.

By this point he's just a ragged mess, and sorrowfully pleads that he's dying to have his girlfriend to come over and "teach him some strategies for studying" because he's having such a hard time learning all the info on his own. WTH?!? Here's a clue. If you can't get your studying done BY YOURSELF, you sure as hell aren't bringing the tits and grins over to "help" you study!! Do we really have to have this conversation?! Duh. I'm just a stupid mom.

He sulked, cried, moaned, bellyached, pleaded, begged, and cried some more.

I'm tired of it.

And I am hoping that at some point he will get tired of it, too.

If he's not passing and obeying the rules of our house, then I really don't give a rip whether or not he does anything with his friends. It's up to him to make the most of his teenage years, or sit on the front porch and watch it all pass him by. It's also no skin off my teeth if he ever earns the money to buy his car so that he can get his license.**

**Yes, he has to buy his own car from his grandpa because he'll take better care of something that HE earns himself.

Needed: Inspiration & Will Power

I'm up at the butt crack of dark, browsing solutions on the Internet, and feeling like complete loser. Although that is just wishful thinking, because I am actually a successful GAINER.

I've managed to gain back all of the weight that I worked so hard to lose a couple years ago. I've let poor self esteem, horrible eating habits, our on-the-go lifestyle, and an addiction to high calorie foods sneak back in and take the driver's seat. These thoughts roll around in my head constantly, and my internal dialogue is always that "I'm going to do better". At different points in my life I've been better about disciplining myself and dropping the weight, but after existing in about ten years of chunkiness, the reality is that it's not just going to go away.

It's easy to look at the people around me and say, "Well, they're more successful because they've *fill in the blank*, but I *insert limitation here*". Regrettably though, as the scale continues to gradually climb, I must acknowledge that it isn't someone else getting on that scale every morning.....IT'S ME.

I've got to get my shit together.

I've got to overcome my own issues.

I've got to quit thinking that I'll always be fat.

I've got to pay attention to myself instead of comparing myself to others.

I've got to.